I’ve not blogged in a while… not because I’ve not wanted or needed to, but because I’m afraid of what people will think. Within recent months, I’ve told people (who I actually know) about my blog. And, that’s what has me frightened. I’m afraid I’ll divulge something that heretofore has been somewhat private. I’m afraid of being judged. (I know how people are… myself included. Why are we that way?)
Life is a complicated thing. Daily, all of us are learning how to maneuver and manage in this world… whether we realize it or not. Our world is changing fast. We don’t see it because of the intense speed with which it is changing.
I no longer feel like I’m able to accurately articulate my true feelings and thoughts about things. It’s like my own little corner of the world is spinning around and around and around with no end in sight, and I’m scrambling to try and figure out how to hold on or jump off. With my propensity to over-think things (EVERYthing), this spinning wheel may eventually crash. That being said, I truly am glad that I have a personal relationship with the One who holds it all together. Knowing that doesn’t necessarily make it easier. As James says, I’m verrrry slowly learning to “count it all joy when [I] fall into various trials.”
This song is not really related… or is it?
p.s. I have a different place to live. See my previous post if you don’t understand.
I am hesitant to ask for prayer mainly because my problems seem relatively minor compared to most. However, I am extremely stressed and overwhelmed. Things at work have changed supposedly for the better, and yet things are different. (And even though, in this case, different and better are good; they are still stressful.) The place where I live is being placed on the market to be sold. Searching for another place is difficult at best (especially considering my very limited income). The wonderful people who are a part of my local church and small group are so loving and kind, and yet I still so very often feel alone. Considering the lilies of the field and the birds of the air (and how God provides for them) is great until my feet have to hit the pavement. Trusting the Lord, completely, has been and continues to be one of the most difficult things. I am not even sure what to ask you to pray for, but thank you to whomever does pray.
This song by Laura Story featuring Mac Powell from Third Day is one of many that comes to mind:
So, my ex is married to “Ms. Positive of the Universe,” and I find myself wallowing in self-pity. Obviously, something is not right. Even to admit this publicly could bring shame upon myself. However, I need to get over it. (I’m sure “Ms. Positive” would agree with me. Oh wait… I should label her properly. It’s not “Ms.” but “Mrs.” Only those of us who are divorced and not remarried have the honour and privilege of the “Ms.” title. 🙂 )
Do I have a point to this? Probably not… except to say that I’m attempting to let off some steam. I struggle with seeing how she claims to be the number one fan of her daughters and includes my two daughters in the (literal) picture (along with her three daughters). I know I need to probably ‘address’ this issue with her, but I really do not know how to breach the subject. Will I be banned from WordPress for writing about it here? I highly doubt it. Will she ever see this? Probably not… unless someone who knows her (and me) points it out to her. Will I be upset if she sees it? Probably. Will she be? I don’t know. It’s possible. But, will we all get over it? Will it one day “pass,” like many people keep telling me, “This too shall pass”? I sure hope so! Maybe by me writing about it I’ll somehow feel better. I don’t know.
The longer I live, I’m finding that there are many things that I do not know. And, there are many things for which I have no answers. To simply say that Jesus is THE answer sounds great! I’ve been waiting a long time (and reading a lot of Scripture and excerpts from books written by dead theologians) to try and figure out how that applies to real life.
Frustrated with myself for…
thinking I can write as good as the best writer
thinking that I’m really not that good
thinking … period
wishing that life could be different
realizing that it can be different, if I make a change
not knowing how to make a change or even where to start
knowing how to make a change and how to start but being scared to death of it
knowing that God is with me and for me and that I can trust Him, but realizing that I must not be fully trusting Him because of how burdened down I seem
thinking so much that I don’t eat when I need to
being concerned that people who read this will think I’m a terrible writer
being concerned that people who read this will think I actually have something to say
being concerned what others think about me (After all, what difference does it make?)
Frustrated with and yet thankful for those who read my “Real Like the Velveteen Rabbit?” post from yesterday because…
one person commented on the actual post
a couple of people replied via email saying that I don’t need to ask people what to write about (duh, I know that!)
several people replied via text saying…
I follow your blog now; I subscribed
I never knew you wanted to be a writer?!
I knew you had a hidden talent somewhere
I want to go read that again sometime
I wish you the best in your endeavor
I love your picture!
I wasn’t seeking approval! Or, was I? (sigh) <— Add this to my "frustrated with myself" list (above).
So many clichés about life are true and yet I wish they weren't. I wish there was a way to 'break the cycle' in a sense. I don't want to be like the next person. I don't want to be famous. I'm tired of taking baby steps like Bob. I just wish I could express myself and have someone validate me. And yet, when validation is received, then what? What do I do with that? Where do I go from there? What’s really the point of any of this?
Does a blog that people will read and follow actually exist? Can I create one, too?
I have a lot of online friends… both in the blogging world and on various chat sites. The latter perhaps may be a shock to some of my blogging friends and perhaps to some of my “real” friends. I put “real” in quotes because I believe all friends are real… regardless of whether you’ve ever met them or even ever spoken with them in “real” life (aka ‘in person’). But in this instance (mentioning “real” friends), I am referring to the friends I actually have met in person. Confused? Good! So am I! ha!
I’m throwing this out there to see what people will think. I love to write. I’ve been told by several people that I’m a good writer. (I could devote a whole blog JUST to that. No, not a whole blogpost but a whole blog! In other words, a blog about what a good writer is, does, thinks, etc.) I would LOVE to be able to write “for profit.” And no, I’m not interested in being a millionaire or even a thousandaire (if there was such a thing). But, I am passionate about writing and wish that it indeed could be my sole income source. Alas, I’m currently “just” a day care teacher. I have nothing against being a day care teacher, per se. I just know that it doesn’t stretch or even use all of my intelligence, and therefore, my brain is still telling me, “There’s got to be more!” (I could devote a whole blog just to how a day care teacher could possibly expand his/her ‘ideals’ simply by studying the children he/she cares for. (I keep caveating in my head about this. Even ending that sentence with a preposition is something I could caveat about. Ugh! There I go again!))
So what’s my point? I want to write. I want to be paid to write even if that means that I’m being paid by companies/businesses that would advertise on my blog. I think my blog should have a creative name beyond Anita’s Antics, though, because my life is certainly about more than just my antics. I’m considering making it an anonymous blog because I know that I’ll (most likely) be more willing to write about things that some of the people who REALLY know me would consider VERY shocking. And, I’ll probably have a bigger following if I’m able to write about those things because those things even shock me!
If you (the reader of this post) have ANY ideas about what I might call a blog like that, please let me know. Also, if there’s a topic you’d like me to blog, please let me know. I’d be willing to blog about just about anything. No, not “just about”… I will (if given the proper ‘stage’) write about anything.
Oh, and by the way, this is me. Or at least a picture of what I looked like this past Sunday. I may never be this “real” again. 😉
When and how do we know to move from the time of rest to the time of action? I posed this question in my previous post.
And then today, I read Charles Haddon Spurgeon’s morning devotion which would seem to indicate we are called to action NOW… not some time down the road in the future.
Do it promptly; do not fritter away your life in thinking of what you intend to do to-morrow as if that could recompense for the idleness of to-day.
So, if it’s now, how does that truly play out in actual life? We (and by saying ‘we’, I suppose I’m referring to most, if not all, humans) are consumed with ourselves. We think we have got to have the latest, greatest. Or, we think that just because there’s a sale on something, then we ought to get it … in case it would be of some use ‘down the road.’ But, what about now? We’re really only given “right now.” We aren’t promised the future. Look at the recent tragedy in Chattanooga. The six children (ages 6 to 10) do not have a future here on earth. Neither they nor their family ever expected that their lives here on earth would be cut so short. So, how do we “redeem the time”?
I certainly don’t claim to have the answers. However, I believe the Bible holds THE answer, which is Jesus Christ. That is so simplistic, and yet that is somewhat the point. The gospel… that Jesus died on the cross to save us from our sin… IS very simple. So simple, that many do not accept it.
We (myself included) must learn to trust … no matter what. Also, we must continue on the road in front of us and not grow weary. (See Proverbs 3:5-6, Hebrews 12:1-2, Galatians 6:9-10, Philippians 3:13-14, Isaiah 40:31.)
I digress. My post from earlier this week didn’t make much sense. But, that’s okay. I realize that I never really explained why I felt like I wanted to argue with Beth Moore. And, after re-reading her devotion for October 24, I realize that I’m not even sure about what it was that I thought I wanted to argue. So, I start telling myself how silly and useless I am… when deep down, I know that I’m not useless. (Perhaps I am silly but not useless.)
My ongoing depression seems to keep me in a near constant state of second guessing myself. That’s just the thing that the devil wants me to be doing… focusing on myself and not on Jesus and not on honorable, right, and lovely things (Philippians 4:8). Thing is, I tend to take all that I’ve ever read (specifically from the Bible) and ‘latched onto’ as things I need to do all at the same time. When very often, God would have me simply rest in Him (Matthew 11:28-30).
When and how do we know to move from the time of rest to the time of action? Paul’s writings seem full of action… especially in Philippians where we’re told to rejoice in the Lord always, pray about everything, do all things through Christ, press on to the goal, look out for the interests of others, don’t grumble or dispute, and on and on. And yet, in some ways, he sums it all up in the first chapter when he says, “For me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.” (See Philippians 1:21.) It would seem that the “how” of moving from rest to action is to continually focus on Christ. And, to continually focus on Christ would indicate that it must be done every moment of every day.
Some would say that it’s impossible to do anything every moment of every day, and yet we breathe every moment of every day. Is breathing something with which we struggle? (Those with a lower lung capacity or some other type of respiratory problem do, but I’m talking about the average person.) No, of course not. However, we seem to struggle with breathing Jesus in and out. (I’m ‘preaching’ to myself… as much as anyone else.) “Consider the lilies” comes to mind. (See Matthew 6:28-29 and Luke 12:27.) If only we would trust. As Oswald Chambers said in My Utmost For His Highest for October 27, the “secret of joy is that you have the right relationship with [Jesus].”
Perhaps ‘resting’ and ‘acting’, as I’ve coined them, can be simultaneous as we press on to the goal. (See Philippians 3:13-14.)