“Mrs. Positive” vs. the Ex-Wife

So, my ex is married to “Ms. Positive of the Universe,” and I find myself wallowing in self-pity.  Obviously, something is not right.  Even to admit this publicly could bring shame upon myself.  However, I need to get over it.  (I’m sure “Ms. Positive” would agree with me.  Oh wait… I should label her properly.  It’s not “Ms.” but “Mrs.”  Only those of us who are divorced and not remarried have the honour and privilege of the “Ms.” title. 🙂 )

Do I have a point to this?  Probably not… except to say that I’m attempting to let off some steam.  I struggle with seeing how she claims to be the number one fan of her daughters and includes my two daughters in the (literal) picture (along with her three daughters).  I know I need to probably ‘address’ this issue with her, but I really do not know how to breach the subject.  Will I be banned from WordPress for writing about it here?  I highly doubt it.  Will she ever see this?  Probably not… unless someone who knows her (and me) points it out to her. Will I be upset if she sees it?  Probably.  Will she be?  I don’t know.  It’s possible.  But, will we all get over it?  Will it one day “pass,” like many people keep telling me, “This too shall pass”?  I sure hope so!  Maybe by me writing about it I’ll somehow feel better.  I don’t know.

The longer I live, I’m finding that there are many things that I do not know. And, there are many things for which I have no answers.  To simply say that Jesus is THE answer sounds great!  I’ve been waiting a long time (and reading a lot of Scripture and excepts from books written by dead theologians) to try and figure out how that applies to real life.

Seemingly endless frustration

I’m frustrated.

Frustrated with myself for…

being frustrated
thinking I can write as good as the best writer
thinking that I’m really not that good
thinking … period
wishing that life could be different
realizing that it can be different, if I make a change
not knowing how to make a change or even where to start
knowing how to make a change and how to start but being scared to death of it

knowing that God is with me and for me and that I can trust Him, but realizing that I must not be fully trusting Him because of how burdened down I seem

thinking
thinking so much that I don’t eat when I need to
being concerned that people who read this will think I’m a terrible writer
being concerned that people who read this will think I actually have something to say
being concerned what others think about me (After all, what difference does it make?)

Frustrated with and yet thankful for those who read my “Real Like the Velveteen Rabbit?” post from yesterday because…

one person commented on the actual post

a couple of people replied via email saying that I don’t need to ask people what to write about (duh, I know that!)

several people replied via text saying…

I follow your blog now; I subscribed
I never knew you wanted to be a writer?!
I knew you had a hidden talent somewhere
I want to go read that again sometime
I wish you the best in your endeavor
I love your picture!

I wasn’t seeking approval! Or, was I? (sigh)  <— Add this to my "frustrated with myself" list (above).

So many clichés about life are true and yet I wish they weren't.  I wish there was a way to 'break the cycle' in a sense.   I don't want to be like the next person.  I don't want to be famous.  I'm tired of taking baby steps like Bob.  I just wish I could express myself and have someone validate me.  And yet, when validation is received, then what?  What do I do with that?  Where do I go from there? What’s really the point of any of this?

Real like the Velveteen Rabbit?

Does a blog that people will read and follow actually exist?  Can I create one, too?

I have a lot of online friends… both in the blogging world and on various chat sites.  The latter perhaps may be a shock to some of my blogging friends and perhaps to some of my “real” friends.  I put “real” in quotes because I believe all friends are real… regardless of whether you’ve ever met them or even ever spoken with them in “real” life (aka ‘in person’).  But in this instance (mentioning “real” friends), I am referring to the friends I actually have met in person.  Confused? Good!  So am I!  ha!

I’m throwing this out there to see what people will think.  I love to write.  I’ve been told by several people that I’m a good writer.  (I could devote a whole blog JUST to that.  No, not a whole blogpost but a whole blog!  In other words, a blog about what a good writer is, does, thinks, etc.)  I would LOVE to be able to write “for profit.”  And no, I’m not interested in being a millionaire or even a thousandaire (if there was such a thing).  But, I am passionate about writing and wish that it indeed could be my sole income source.  Alas, I’m currently “just” a day care teacher.  I have nothing against being a day care teacher, per se.  I just know that it doesn’t stretch or even use all of my intelligence, and therefore, my brain is still telling me, “There’s got to be more!”  (I could devote a whole blog just to how a day care teacher could possibly expand his/her ‘ideals’ simply by studying the children he/she cares for. (I keep caveating in my head about this.  Even ending that sentence with a preposition is something I could caveat about.  Ugh!  There I go again!))

So what’s my point?  I want to write.  I want to be paid to write even if that means that I’m being paid by companies/businesses that would advertise on my blog.  I think my blog should have a creative name beyond Anita’s Antics, though, because my life is certainly about more than just my antics.  I’m considering making it an anonymous blog because I know that I’ll (most likely) be more willing to write about things that some of the people who REALLY know me would consider VERY shocking. And, I’ll probably have a bigger following if I’m able to write about those things because those things even shock me!

If you (the reader of this post) have ANY ideas about what I might call a blog like that, please let me know.  Also, if there’s a topic you’d like me to blog, please let me know.  I’d be willing to blog about just about anything.  No, not “just about”… I will (if given the proper ‘stage’) write about anything.

Oh, and by the way, this is me.  Or at least a picture of what I looked like this past Sunday.  I may never be this “real” again. 😉

1489354131079_IMG_20170312_172825_163

Redeem the Time

When and how do we know to move from the time of rest to the time of action?  I posed this question in my previous post.

And then today, I read Charles Haddon Spurgeon’s morning devotion which would seem to indicate we are called to action NOW… not some time down the road in the future.

Do it promptly; do not fritter away your life in thinking of what you intend to do to-morrow as if that could recompense for the idleness of to-day.

So, if it’s now, how does that truly play out in actual life?  We (and by saying ‘we’, I suppose I’m referring to most, if not all, humans) are consumed with ourselves.  We think we have got to have the latest, greatest.  Or, we think that just because there’s a sale on something, then we ought to get it … in case it would be of some use ‘down the road.’  But, what about now?  We’re really only given “right now.”  We aren’t promised the future.  Look at the recent tragedy in Chattanooga.  The six children (ages 6 to 10) do not have a future here on earth.  Neither they nor their family ever expected that their lives here on earth would be cut so short.  So, how do we “redeem the time”?

I certainly don’t claim to have the answers.  However, I believe the Bible holds THE answer, which is Jesus Christ.  That is so simplistic, and yet that is somewhat the point.  The gospel… that Jesus died on the cross to save us from our sin… IS very simple.  So simple, that many do not accept it.

541cde88d15e94254e62a4f9c83a5c93
We (myself included) must learn to trust … no matter what.  Also, we must continue  on the road in front of us and not grow weary.   (See Proverbs 3:5-6, Hebrews 12:1-2, Galatians 6:9-10, Philippians 3:13-14, Isaiah 40:31.)

A New Year With MANY Thoughts

What escapes me is how and why a whole year has passed since I created a new blog post.  I have 16 drafts… the most recent one was saved seven months ago according to WordPress.  As I’ve mentioned before, I tend to psychoanalyze myself quite often.

I’ve read and heard several different things just in the past couple of weeks that I feel have been somewhat helpful and insightful, but also somewhat overwhelming.  As a high school friend of mine said, “Being overwhelmed doesn’t mean you get a free pass…” He was referring to discipling our children, but I believe that statement applies to all areas of our lives.

As for an insightful instance, this quote from one of the articles I read recently jumped out at me as I went back to re-read the article to find what I wanted to share with you…

If a doctor uses a treatment with a clinically verified high rate of success but presents it in a negative light, the probability of a negative outcome increases.

That caused my thoughts to jump to an episode of M*A*S*H when they ran out of pain medication and used placebos to tide them over.  One of the doctors was skeptical, and the senior ranking officer ordered him to present it with a positive attitude or it would never work.  After the placebos were administered, most of the patients respond very well, much to the surprise of the one who was skeptical.  So, our attitude toward things (our expectations, as this same article points out), obviously has a great impact on the outcome of events/circumstances.

Honestly, I’m not even sure why I’m writing a blogpost now.  I felt the need to post something.  But why?  More self-analysis?  That leads me to something else I recently read, “The Hyper-Examined Life Isn’t Worth Living.”  There are many good things that the author shared.  Here is one (of many) that I found interesting…

An obsessive preoccupation with what others will think and a paralyzing fear of failure go hand in hand, and both are symptoms of a hyper-examined life.

The fear of failure and the obsession of what others will think is not just a trait of Millennials, as he suggests.  I think anyone with a tendency toward introspection could easily be drawn into what he calls a hyper-examined life.  (Just the fact that I’m bringing this up could prove that point.)

So, what is MY point?  Good question.  I know that I am striving to daily re-submit my life over to Jesus.  The past is gone, and there is absolutely NO WAY to change any of it.  The future is not yet here, and ultimately God is the only One who controls it.  We have the joy, privilege, and responsibility to seek out the best way to join God not only in the future, but in the here and now.   Will we trust?


Continue reading “A New Year With MANY Thoughts”

Blog Stats and Self-Analysis

Looking at my blog stats over a period of several months and even years, I realize that the post that has brought people to my blog more than any other is the one about House Finches.  I don’t think that it was such a wonderfully-written post in as much as Google picked up on it and apparently people are really interested in finding out about house finches.

Regarding the quality of my writing, I continually am complimented by acquaintances and a few friends.  I view my writing almost like I view myself.  I do not have a very high view of it or myself.  As I search inwardly and outwardly to determine a cause or reason for this self-doubt (for lack of a better term to describe it at the moment), I am somewhat amazed to discover that part of it may be due to not ever having been myself.  This may seem strange to some, but please try to understand what I’m trying to say.

Note:  I will be using ‘he’ and ‘himself’ so that I won’t constantly be having to put the / symbol to include both genders such as he/she.

Think about a recent high school graduate who goes from living at home straight to living in a college dormitory.  There are some new-found freedoms in making that move.  However, the person is still considered so-and-so’s child and possibly so-and-so’s grandchild or sibling or [fill in the blank].  Does this person have his own identity yet?  Most likely not.  As this person progresses through college, he makes new friends and starts to develop a broader understanding of life.  This person still goes home for holidays and summer breaks.  During those times, the ‘child’ is often at a loss as to how to reach out to others at home because now the child is no longer completely under the same guidelines as he once was.  (Note to reader:  Are you with me so far?)  Let’s say that at one point, this ‘child’ considers that college may not be for him but feels pressure from peers, family, and even self to ‘press on.’  Was that ‘consideration’ something that was far too easily pushed aside?  Could that have been some form of him trying to figure out ‘self’?

Fast forward to college graduation and the summer right after…  this ‘child’ gets married and starts a new chapter in his life.  Wow!  Now, this ‘child’ is suddenly an adult?!  Or… did that happen one night in the middle of his junior year in college when his 21st birthday rolled around?  So… what is this person’s identity now?  Simply a spouse?  No, he is still a child, grandchild, sibling, but has also added ‘spouse’ to the mixture.  What about ‘self’?  Who is he?  Deep down inside, has he taken the time to truly realize who he is?

Moving forward even more, this ‘child’ one day becomes a parent… adding yet another label.  What about ‘person’?  Has this child/grandchild/sibling/spouse/parent ever considered himself a person?  If so, what kind of person?

Now that I’m divorced and have been on my own for real (as if I never was before), I have come to realize that I really do not fully know who I am… due in part to me not ever allowing myself to be me, to discover who I am.  Being thrown into the dating world simply because I am technically single has caused me to pose strange questions of myself…  like, “what do you like to do?”  I honestly have no idea what I like to do.  Okay, I suppose that’s not entirely true.  But it feels as though I have no idea because I’ve never given it much sincere thought.  I’ve simply gone from being a ‘child’ to being a ‘spouse’ to being ‘alone.’  And, I have very little idea of who I am.  I am slowly learning who I am … who I am in Christ is most important, many would say.  But even that is not something that is easily explained.

As a follower of Christ, I do not group myself with most Christians… meaning this:  I do not automatically agree with everything that every “Christian” says or believes.  I think I used to think that I did.  I think I used to assume that if a Christian believed something, then it must be right.  (1 Thessalonians 5:21 says otherwise.)

Somehow, I know that I am not alone.  I am not the only person who has ever faced this kind of self-analytical pondering.  I am sure there are many people younger and older than myself who feel they never psychoanalyzed themselves as much as I have.  Likewise, I’m sure there are many who can relate to this self-analysis.  Even that alone is something to ponder.  Why do some people do that and others seemingly see it as silliness or childishness or unnecessary or… [fill in the blank]?

As a side note… to me, it’s interesting that I would write something like this so soon after Robin Williams died.  I think that he was probably one of the ones who thought about these things.

Moving to American Samoa

A little over three weeks ago, I made a HUGE change in my life.  I moved from Tennessee to American Samoa.

29621_10200230256586095_1743024753_n
I went from living in this house…
CIMG3761
…to looking at this about two miles from where I live.

I hope  to somehow find time to write about my adventures here.  I may start a separate blog just about my time here in American Samoa.   Please let me know what you think.