Seemingly endless frustration

I’m frustrated.

Frustrated with myself for…

being frustrated
thinking I can write as good as the best writer
thinking that I’m really not that good
thinking … period
wishing that life could be different
realizing that it can be different, if I make a change
not knowing how to make a change or even where to start
knowing how to make a change and how to start but being scared to death of it

knowing that God is with me and for me and that I can trust Him, but realizing that I must not be fully trusting Him because of how burdened down I seem

thinking
thinking so much that I don’t eat when I need to
being concerned that people who read this will think I’m a terrible writer
being concerned that people who read this will think I actually have something to say
being concerned what others think about me (After all, what difference does it make?)

Frustrated with and yet thankful for those who read my “Real Like the Velveteen Rabbit?” post from yesterday because…

one person commented on the actual post

a couple of people replied via email saying that I don’t need to ask people what to write about (duh, I know that!)

several people replied via text saying…

I follow your blog now; I subscribed
I never knew you wanted to be a writer?!
I knew you had a hidden talent somewhere
I want to go read that again sometime
I wish you the best in your endeavor
I love your picture!

I wasn’t seeking approval! Or, was I? (sigh)  <— Add this to my "frustrated with myself" list (above).

So many clichés about life are true and yet I wish they weren't.  I wish there was a way to 'break the cycle' in a sense.   I don't want to be like the next person.  I don't want to be famous.  I'm tired of taking baby steps like Bob.  I just wish I could express myself and have someone validate me.  And yet, when validation is received, then what?  What do I do with that?  Where do I go from there? What’s really the point of any of this?

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Real like the Velveteen Rabbit?

Does a blog that people will read and follow actually exist?  Can I create one, too?

I have a lot of online friends… both in the blogging world and on various chat sites.  The latter perhaps may be a shock to some of my blogging friends and perhaps to some of my “real” friends.  I put “real” in quotes because I believe all friends are real… regardless of whether you’ve ever met them or even ever spoken with them in “real” life (aka ‘in person’).  But in this instance (mentioning “real” friends), I am referring to the friends I actually have met in person.  Confused? Good!  So am I!  ha!

I’m throwing this out there to see what people will think.  I love to write.  I’ve been told by several people that I’m a good writer.  (I could devote a whole blog JUST to that.  No, not a whole blogpost but a whole blog!  In other words, a blog about what a good writer is, does, thinks, etc.)  I would LOVE to be able to write “for profit.”  And no, I’m not interested in being a millionaire or even a thousandaire (if there was such a thing).  But, I am passionate about writing and wish that it indeed could be my sole income source.  Alas, I’m currently “just” a day care teacher.  I have nothing against being a day care teacher, per se.  I just know that it doesn’t stretch or even use all of my intelligence, and therefore, my brain is still telling me, “There’s got to be more!”  (I could devote a whole blog just to how a day care teacher could possibly expand his/her ‘ideals’ simply by studying the children he/she cares for. (I keep caveating in my head about this.  Even ending that sentence with a preposition is something I could caveat about.  Ugh!  There I go again!))

So what’s my point?  I want to write.  I want to be paid to write even if that means that I’m being paid by companies/businesses that would advertise on my blog.  I think my blog should have a creative name beyond Anita’s Antics, though, because my life is certainly about more than just my antics.  I’m considering making it an anonymous blog because I know that I’ll (most likely) be more willing to write about things that some of the people who REALLY know me would consider VERY shocking. And, I’ll probably have a bigger following if I’m able to write about those things because those things even shock me!

If you (the reader of this post) have ANY ideas about what I might call a blog like that, please let me know.  Also, if there’s a topic you’d like me to blog, please let me know.  I’d be willing to blog about just about anything.  No, not “just about”… I will (if given the proper ‘stage’) write about anything.

Oh, and by the way, this is me.  Or at least a picture of what I looked like this past Sunday.  I may never be this “real” again. 😉

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Redeem the Time

When and how do we know to move from the time of rest to the time of action?  I posed this question in my previous post.

And then today, I read Charles Haddon Spurgeon’s morning devotion which would seem to indicate we are called to action NOW… not some time down the road in the future.

Do it promptly; do not fritter away your life in thinking of what you intend to do to-morrow as if that could recompense for the idleness of to-day.

So, if it’s now, how does that truly play out in actual life?  We (and by saying ‘we’, I suppose I’m referring to most, if not all, humans) are consumed with ourselves.  We think we have got to have the latest, greatest.  Or, we think that just because there’s a sale on something, then we ought to get it … in case it would be of some use ‘down the road.’  But, what about now?  We’re really only given “right now.”  We aren’t promised the future.  Look at the recent tragedy in Chattanooga.  The six children (ages 6 to 10) do not have a future here on earth.  Neither they nor their family ever expected that their lives here on earth would be cut so short.  So, how do we “redeem the time”?

I certainly don’t claim to have the answers.  However, I believe the Bible holds THE answer, which is Jesus Christ.  That is so simplistic, and yet that is somewhat the point.  The gospel… that Jesus died on the cross to save us from our sin… IS very simple.  So simple, that many do not accept it.

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We (myself included) must learn to trust … no matter what.  Also, we must continue  on the road in front of us and not grow weary.   (See Proverbs 3:5-6, Hebrews 12:1-2, Galatians 6:9-10, Philippians 3:13-14, Isaiah 40:31.)

Digressing and Trusting

I digress.  My post from earlier this week didn’t make much sense.  But, that’s okay.  I realize that I never really explained why I felt like I wanted to argue with Beth Moore.  And, after re-reading her devotion for October 24, I realize that I’m not even sure about what it was that I thought I wanted to argue.  So, I start telling myself how silly and useless I am… when deep down, I know that I’m not useless.  (Perhaps I am silly but not useless.)

My ongoing depression seems to keep me in a near constant state of second guessing myself.  That’s just the thing that the devil wants me to be doing… focusing on myself and not on Jesus and not on honorable, right, and lovely things (Philippians 4:8).  Thing is, I tend to take all that I’ve ever read (specifically from the Bible) and ‘latched onto’ as things I need to do all at the same time.  When very often, God would have me simply rest in Him (Matthew 11:28-30).

When and how do we know to move from the time of rest to the time of action?  Paul’s writings seem full of action… especially in Philippians where we’re told to rejoice in the Lord always, pray about everything, do all things through Christ, press on to the goal, look out for the interests of others, don’t grumble or dispute, and on and on.  And yet, in some ways, he sums it all up in the first chapter when he says, “For me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.” (See Philippians 1:21.)  It would seem that the “how” of moving from rest to action is to continually focus on Christ.  And, to continually focus on Christ would indicate that it must be done every moment of every day.

Some would say that it’s impossible to do anything every moment of every day, and yet we breathe every moment of every day.  Is breathing something with which we struggle?  (Those with a lower lung capacity or some other type of respiratory problem do, but I’m talking about the average person.)  No, of course not.  However, we seem to struggle with breathing Jesus in and out.  (I’m ‘preaching’ to myself… as much as anyone else.)  “Consider the lilies” comes to mind.  (See Matthew 6:28-29 and Luke 12:27.) If only we would trust.  As Oswald Chambers said in My Utmost For His Highest for October 27, the “secret of joy is that you have the right relationship with [Jesus].”

Perhaps ‘resting’ and ‘acting’, as I’ve coined them, can be simultaneous as we press on to the goal.  (See Philippians 3:13-14.)

Belief and Faith – Opening a Can of Worms

I may be splitting hairs and opening a can of worms by writing about this; but after reading Beth Moore’s Believing God Day by Day “devotion” for October 24, I found myself wanting to argue with her.  (You should be able to read her words by clicking here.)

I immediately thought of what the Bible says in James 2:19

You believe that God is one. You do well; the demons also believe, and shudder.

But, as I looked more closely at the verse and the ones surrounding it, I thought of how often we may take it (as well as countless over verses) out of context.  The context of James 2:19 is the discussion of faith without works.

So, when any of us uses the words faith and belief interchangeably, perhaps we are simply (as if “simply” could accurately describe anything about following Christ) trying to find one word to describe our devotion to God.  Even as I type this, I have so many thoughts surrounding the words: belief, faith, devotion, walk with Christ, follower of Christ, total surrender to Christ, etc.  (Even my use of the word “simply” brought up thoughts of the following verses because of how simplistic (i.e. childlike) belief (there’s that word again) in Jesus is.)

Matthew 11:25

At that time Jesus said, “I praise You, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, that You have hidden these things from the wise and intelligent and have revealed them to infants.”

and Matthew 18:3

and [Jesus] said, “Truly I say to you, unless you are converted and become like children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven.”

And with that, I invite you (and myself) to read (in my case, re-read) what Oswald Chambers wrote for the October 10 “devotion” in My Utmost for His Highest.  (You can see the updated edition by clicking here; or if you prefer, the classic edition by clicking here.)  May our “arguing” with fellow believers challenge us to seek Christ more and obey Him without question.

Scripture quotations are from the NASB.

 

Susan Heim, author and “Chicken Soup For the Soul” editor, has giveaways

I’ve known about Susan Heim’s blog for several years.  I don’t even know for sure when (or where) I first found out about her blog.  But, I’m glad I did!  🙂  She always has some fun and interesting giveaways.  And, I’m pretty sure I’ve won more than one prize from them.  (Thanks, Susan and Rafflecopter.)

She currently has several giveaways that I’ve entered, as well as a few I’ve not yet entered. Here’s some of them:

One lucky winner will receive their choice of a personalized hoodie bear or sweater bear from Teddy Bears Personalized, hopefully just in time for Mother’s Day! Giveaway ends May 1, 2016 and is open to U.S. residents only.  Click here to go enter!

Mother's Day Teddy Bear

One lucky winner will receive a three month Hulu gift subscription and a Curious George youth T-shirt!  Giveaway ends April 24, 2016 and is open to U.S. residents only.  Click here to go enter!

june182

One lucky winner will receive three National Geographic children’s books and a pair of binoculars!  Giveaway ends April 26, 2016 and is open to U.S. residents only.  Click here to go enter!  (This giveaway is a part of a group of giveaways that several blogs are hosting.  You can find out more information when you click on the link to go enter.)

National Geo Prize Pack

Despite my mention of the giveaways, I hope you will look around Susan’s blog and let her know you found out about her through my blog, unless of course you already knew about her. 🙂  She is MUCH, much better at maintaining her blog than I am.  (Many bloggers are.  I’m simply a novice. 😀 )  On Saturdays, she has a giveaway ‘linky’ where you can link-up your own giveaways or others’ (who often give an extra entry or two if you take that step).  Oh, and the best thing about Susan?  She’s a sister-in-Christ!

Seeking success through Clarity or Trust?

Those of you who know me and/or have read my blog in the past know that I struggle with on-going depression.  For the majority of my adult life (since I was 21 or 22 years old), I’ve struggled with it.   I’ve taken meds.  I’ve seen doctors, psychiatrists, and psychologists (and yes, there is a difference between the last two).  I’ve been hospitalized as an inpatient and as an outpatient.  I’ve gone to several therapists and counselors, stringing out over several years.  I’ve pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I will most likely struggle with depression in some way for the rest of my life.  Does this mean I’ve given up hope?  No.  It means that I’ve accepted it and am learning how to live and cope with it.

So as one might imagine, when I see things like this video1 which basically say that it’s a matter of my outlook on life, I struggle again.  I wonder to myself, “Is it as ‘simple’ as he says?” I’d never heard of Tony Robbins (a motivational speaker) before seeing this video a few days ago posted on a Facebook friend’s wall.  Based on my new-found knowledge of Tony, I asked myself, “Just because he’s apparently a successful businessman, does that make him an expert?”  Somehow, I think not.  (No offense, Tony, if you happen to ever read this.)  Granted, I don’t think he meant for this to be a cure-all for people who have been diagnosed with depression.  But, he does mention that he no longer gets depressed because he changed his habits.  He says he used to be depressed all the time.  He changed his way of thinking.  He mentions doing it for something greater than yourself.  (Prior to hearing who he mentions, I immediately thought of the Lord.)

Additionally, I recently saw this motivational video2 by Steve Harvey.  (Many know him from Family Feud.  He also has a national radio program and has been successful in other ways.)  There’s another version of the video that shows him on the set of Family Feud, sharing something with the studio audience.  Basically, he claims that in order to be successful, you have to jump.  You have to take a risk.  I agree.  Risks have to be taken.  I ask myself this, “How can (if indeed it can) ‘jumping’ help me overcome depression?”

But it’s not just these two videos or even the articles and video that I mentioned on Friday that have me thinking.  My own pastor has been talking about “Decisions” this year.  Our biggest decision that I believe any of us will ever make is the decision to follow Christ.  Outside of that, the decision to continue following Him often leads many believers to Proverbs 3:5-6, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path.”  My pastor puts emphasis on the first use of the word “all.”  If we truly want success in life, we need to strive to trust God with ALL of our heart… not just part of it.

Today, the pastor took it a step further.  He said when we seek direction from the Lord, “a lack of clarity is a wonderful thing.”  That may not make any sense whatsoever, if we’re seeking direction.  But, let me tell you how he explained it.  He read a story from Brennan Manning’s book, Ruthless Trust: The Ragamuffin’s Path to God.  (I did a little bit of research, and it seems to be a story that’s been told several times.)  John Kavanaugh, a Jesuit priest, travelled to India from the United States to visit Mother Teresa and asked her to pray for him to have clarity.  Here is how she replied…

She said firmly, “No, I will not do that.”    When he asked her why, she said, “Clarity is the last thing you are clinging to and must let go of.”  When Kavanaugh commented that she always seemed to have the clarity he longed for, she laughed and said, “I have never had clarity; what I have always had is trust.  So I will pray that you trust God.”

My pastor went on to share three things that a lack of clarity will create for us:  1) intimacy with God, 2) leaps in our faith, 3)paralysis (meaning we have to stop and rest… as Psalm 46:10a says, “Cease striving and know that I am God;” or in another translation, “Be still, and know that I am God”).   I guess all of this particularly ‘hit home’ with me because I’ve been telling God I trust Him, but I have also been praying for clarity… using that specific word in a prayer I voiced just within the past 24 hours before I went to church services this morning.

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It’s almost as if we’re waiting for something to come into focus (clarity).  And, until we put on the proper lenses (completely trust), we will continue to fret, worry, and wander around aimlessly.

(back)1How to Pull Yourself Out of a Funk, Tony Robbins, 31 Dec. 2015.
(back)2You Gotta Jump, Steve Harvey, 14 Apr. 2014.