Satirical Saturday or my poor attempt at inaccurate alliteration

I’ve not blogged in a while… not because I’ve not wanted or needed to, but because I’m afraid of what people will think. Within recent months, I’ve told people (who I actually know) about my blog. And, that’s what has me frightened. I’m afraid I’ll divulge something that heretofore has been somewhat private. I’m afraid of being judged. (I know how people are… myself included. Why are we that way?)

Life is a complicated thing. Daily, all of us are learning how to maneuver and manage in this world… whether we realize it or not. Our world is changing fast. We don’t see it because of the intense speed with which it is changing.

I no longer feel like I’m able to accurately articulate my true feelings and thoughts about things. It’s like my own little corner of the world is spinning around and around and around with no end in sight, and I’m scrambling to try and figure out how to hold on or jump off. With my propensity to over-think things (EVERYthing), this spinning wheel may eventually crash. That being said, I truly am glad that I have a personal relationship with the One who holds it all together. Knowing that doesn’t necessarily make it easier. As James says, I’m verrrry slowly learning to “count it all joy when [I] fall into various trials.”

This song is not really related… or is it?

p.s. I have a different place to live. See my previous post if you don’t understand.

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Praying for Open Hands

I am hesitant to ask for prayer mainly because my problems seem relatively minor compared to most.  However, I am extremely stressed and overwhelmed.  Things at work have changed supposedly for the better, and yet things are different.  (And even though, in this case, different and better are good; they are still stressful.)  The place where I live is being placed on the market to be sold.  Searching for another place is difficult at best (especially considering my very limited income).  The wonderful people who are a part of my local church and small group are so loving and kind, and yet I still so very often feel alone.  Considering the lilies of the field and the birds of the air (and how God provides for them) is great until my feet have to hit the pavement.  Trusting the Lord, completely, has been and continues to be one of the most difficult things. I am not even sure what to ask you to pray for, but thank you to whomever does pray.

This song by Laura Story featuring Mac Powell from Third Day is one of many that comes to mind:

“Mrs. Positive” vs. the Ex-Wife

So, my ex is married to “Ms. Positive of the Universe,” and I find myself wallowing in self-pity.  Obviously, something is not right.  Even to admit this publicly could bring shame upon myself.  However, I need to get over it.  (I’m sure “Ms. Positive” would agree with me.  Oh wait… I should label her properly.  It’s not “Ms.” but “Mrs.”  Only those of us who are divorced and not remarried have the honour and privilege of the “Ms.” title. 🙂 )

Do I have a point to this?  Probably not… except to say that I’m attempting to let off some steam.  I struggle with seeing how she claims to be the number one fan of her daughters and includes my two daughters in the (literal) picture (along with her three daughters).  I know I need to probably ‘address’ this issue with her, but I really do not know how to breach the subject.  Will I be banned from WordPress for writing about it here?  I highly doubt it.  Will she ever see this?  Probably not… unless someone who knows her (and me) points it out to her. Will I be upset if she sees it?  Probably.  Will she be?  I don’t know.  It’s possible.  But, will we all get over it?  Will it one day “pass,” like many people keep telling me, “This too shall pass”?  I sure hope so!  Maybe by me writing about it I’ll somehow feel better.  I don’t know.

The longer I live, I’m finding that there are many things that I do not know. And, there are many things for which I have no answers.  To simply say that Jesus is THE answer sounds great!  I’ve been waiting a long time (and reading a lot of Scripture and excerpts from books written by dead theologians) to try and figure out how that applies to real life.

Seemingly endless frustration

I’m frustrated.

Frustrated with myself for…

being frustrated
thinking I can write as good as the best writer
thinking that I’m really not that good
thinking … period
wishing that life could be different
realizing that it can be different, if I make a change
not knowing how to make a change or even where to start
knowing how to make a change and how to start but being scared to death of it

knowing that God is with me and for me and that I can trust Him, but realizing that I must not be fully trusting Him because of how burdened down I seem

thinking
thinking so much that I don’t eat when I need to
being concerned that people who read this will think I’m a terrible writer
being concerned that people who read this will think I actually have something to say
being concerned what others think about me (After all, what difference does it make?)

Frustrated with and yet thankful for those who read my “Real Like the Velveteen Rabbit?” post from yesterday because…

one person commented on the actual post

a couple of people replied via email saying that I don’t need to ask people what to write about (duh, I know that!)

several people replied via text saying…

I follow your blog now; I subscribed
I never knew you wanted to be a writer?!
I knew you had a hidden talent somewhere
I want to go read that again sometime
I wish you the best in your endeavor
I love your picture!

I wasn’t seeking approval! Or, was I? (sigh)  <— Add this to my "frustrated with myself" list (above).

So many clichés about life are true and yet I wish they weren't.  I wish there was a way to 'break the cycle' in a sense.   I don't want to be like the next person.  I don't want to be famous.  I'm tired of taking baby steps like Bob.  I just wish I could express myself and have someone validate me.  And yet, when validation is received, then what?  What do I do with that?  Where do I go from there? What’s really the point of any of this?

Digressing and Trusting

I digress.  My post from earlier this week didn’t make much sense.  But, that’s okay.  I realize that I never really explained why I felt like I wanted to argue with Beth Moore.  And, after re-reading her devotion for October 24, I realize that I’m not even sure about what it was that I thought I wanted to argue.  So, I start telling myself how silly and useless I am… when deep down, I know that I’m not useless.  (Perhaps I am silly but not useless.)

My ongoing depression seems to keep me in a near constant state of second guessing myself.  That’s just the thing that the devil wants me to be doing… focusing on myself and not on Jesus and not on honorable, right, and lovely things (Philippians 4:8).  Thing is, I tend to take all that I’ve ever read (specifically from the Bible) and ‘latched onto’ as things I need to do all at the same time.  When very often, God would have me simply rest in Him (Matthew 11:28-30).

When and how do we know to move from the time of rest to the time of action?  Paul’s writings seem full of action… especially in Philippians where we’re told to rejoice in the Lord always, pray about everything, do all things through Christ, press on to the goal, look out for the interests of others, don’t grumble or dispute, and on and on.  And yet, in some ways, he sums it all up in the first chapter when he says, “For me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.” (See Philippians 1:21.)  It would seem that the “how” of moving from rest to action is to continually focus on Christ.  And, to continually focus on Christ would indicate that it must be done every moment of every day.

Some would say that it’s impossible to do anything every moment of every day, and yet we breathe every moment of every day.  Is breathing something with which we struggle?  (Those with a lower lung capacity or some other type of respiratory problem do, but I’m talking about the average person.)  No, of course not.  However, we seem to struggle with breathing Jesus in and out.  (I’m ‘preaching’ to myself… as much as anyone else.)  “Consider the lilies” comes to mind.  (See Matthew 6:28-29 and Luke 12:27.) If only we would trust.  As Oswald Chambers said in My Utmost For His Highest for October 27, the “secret of joy is that you have the right relationship with [Jesus].”

Perhaps ‘resting’ and ‘acting’, as I’ve coined them, can be simultaneous as we press on to the goal.  (See Philippians 3:13-14.)

Seeking success through Clarity or Trust?

Those of you who know me and/or have read my blog in the past know that I struggle with on-going depression.  For the majority of my adult life (since I was 21 or 22 years old), I’ve struggled with it.   I’ve taken meds.  I’ve seen doctors, psychiatrists, and psychologists (and yes, there is a difference between the last two).  I’ve been hospitalized as an inpatient and as an outpatient.  I’ve gone to several therapists and counselors, stringing out over several years.  I’ve pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I will most likely struggle with depression in some way for the rest of my life.  Does this mean I’ve given up hope?  No.  It means that I’ve accepted it and am learning how to live and cope with it.

So as one might imagine, when I see things like this video1 which basically say that it’s a matter of my outlook on life, I struggle again.  I wonder to myself, “Is it as ‘simple’ as he says?” I’d never heard of Tony Robbins (a motivational speaker) before seeing this video a few days ago posted on a Facebook friend’s wall.  Based on my new-found knowledge of Tony, I asked myself, “Just because he’s apparently a successful businessman, does that make him an expert?”  Somehow, I think not.  (No offense, Tony, if you happen to ever read this.)  Granted, I don’t think he meant for this to be a cure-all for people who have been diagnosed with depression.  But, he does mention that he no longer gets depressed because he changed his habits.  He says he used to be depressed all the time.  He changed his way of thinking.  He mentions doing it for something greater than yourself.  (Prior to hearing who he mentions, I immediately thought of the Lord.)

Additionally, I recently saw this motivational video2 by Steve Harvey.  (Many know him from Family Feud.  He also has a national radio program and has been successful in other ways.)  There’s another version of the video that shows him on the set of Family Feud, sharing something with the studio audience.  Basically, he claims that in order to be successful, you have to jump.  You have to take a risk.  I agree.  Risks have to be taken.  I ask myself this, “How can (if indeed it can) ‘jumping’ help me overcome depression?”

But it’s not just these two videos or even the articles and video that I mentioned on Friday that have me thinking.  My own pastor has been talking about “Decisions” this year.  Our biggest decision that I believe any of us will ever make is the decision to follow Christ.  Outside of that, the decision to continue following Him often leads many believers to Proverbs 3:5-6, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path.”  My pastor puts emphasis on the first use of the word “all.”  If we truly want success in life, we need to strive to trust God with ALL of our heart… not just part of it.

Today, the pastor took it a step further.  He said when we seek direction from the Lord, “a lack of clarity is a wonderful thing.”  That may not make any sense whatsoever, if we’re seeking direction.  But, let me tell you how he explained it.  He read a story from Brennan Manning’s book, Ruthless Trust: The Ragamuffin’s Path to God.  (I did a little bit of research, and it seems to be a story that’s been told several times.)  John Kavanaugh, a Jesuit priest, travelled to India from the United States to visit Mother Teresa and asked her to pray for him to have clarity.  Here is how she replied…

She said firmly, “No, I will not do that.”    When he asked her why, she said, “Clarity is the last thing you are clinging to and must let go of.”  When Kavanaugh commented that she always seemed to have the clarity he longed for, she laughed and said, “I have never had clarity; what I have always had is trust.  So I will pray that you trust God.”

My pastor went on to share three things that a lack of clarity will create for us:  1) intimacy with God, 2) leaps in our faith, 3)paralysis (meaning we have to stop and rest… as Psalm 46:10a says, “Cease striving and know that I am God;” or in another translation, “Be still, and know that I am God”).   I guess all of this particularly ‘hit home’ with me because I’ve been telling God I trust Him, but I have also been praying for clarity… using that specific word in a prayer I voiced just within the past 24 hours before I went to church services this morning.

kitaoka_out_of_focus

It’s almost as if we’re waiting for something to come into focus (clarity).  And, until we put on the proper lenses (completely trust), we will continue to fret, worry, and wander around aimlessly.

(back)1How to Pull Yourself Out of a Funk, Tony Robbins, 31 Dec. 2015.
(back)2You Gotta Jump, Steve Harvey, 14 Apr. 2014.

Blog Stats and Self-Analysis

Looking at my blog stats over a period of several months and even years, I realize that the post that has brought people to my blog more than any other is the one about House Finches.  I don’t think that it was such a wonderfully-written post in as much as Google picked up on it and apparently people are really interested in finding out about house finches.

Regarding the quality of my writing, I continually am complimented by acquaintances and a few friends.  I view my writing almost like I view myself.  I do not have a very high view of it or myself.  As I search inwardly and outwardly to determine a cause or reason for this self-doubt (for lack of a better term to describe it at the moment), I am somewhat amazed to discover that part of it may be due to not ever having been myself.  This may seem strange to some, but please try to understand what I’m trying to say.

Note:  I will be using ‘he’ and ‘himself’ so that I won’t constantly be having to put the / symbol to include both genders such as he/she.

Think about a recent high school graduate who goes from living at home straight to living in a college dormitory.  There are some new-found freedoms in making that move.  However, the person is still considered so-and-so’s child and possibly so-and-so’s grandchild or sibling or [fill in the blank].  Does this person have his own identity yet?  Most likely not.  As this person progresses through college, he makes new friends and starts to develop a broader understanding of life.  This person still goes home for holidays and summer breaks.  During those times, the ‘child’ is often at a loss as to how to reach out to others at home because now the child is no longer completely under the same guidelines as he once was.  (Note to reader:  Are you with me so far?)  Let’s say that at one point, this ‘child’ considers that college may not be for him but feels pressure from peers, family, and even self to ‘press on.’  Was that ‘consideration’ something that was far too easily pushed aside?  Could that have been some form of him trying to figure out ‘self’?

Fast forward to college graduation and the summer right after…  this ‘child’ gets married and starts a new chapter in his life.  Wow!  Now, this ‘child’ is suddenly an adult?!  Or… did that happen one night in the middle of his junior year in college when his 21st birthday rolled around?  So… what is this person’s identity now?  Simply a spouse?  No, he is still a child, grandchild, sibling, but has also added ‘spouse’ to the mixture.  What about ‘self’?  Who is he?  Deep down inside, has he taken the time to truly realize who he is?

Moving forward even more, this ‘child’ one day becomes a parent… adding yet another label.  What about ‘person’?  Has this child/grandchild/sibling/spouse/parent ever considered himself a person?  If so, what kind of person?

Now that I’m divorced and have been on my own for real (as if I never was before), I have come to realize that I really do not fully know who I am… due in part to me not ever allowing myself to be me, to discover who I am.  Being thrown into the dating world simply because I am technically single has caused me to pose strange questions of myself…  like, “what do you like to do?”  I honestly have no idea what I like to do.  Okay, I suppose that’s not entirely true.  But it feels as though I have no idea because I’ve never given it much sincere thought.  I’ve simply gone from being a ‘child’ to being a ‘spouse’ to being ‘alone.’  And, I have very little idea of who I am.  I am slowly learning who I am … who I am in Christ is most important, many would say.  But even that is not something that is easily explained.

As a follower of Christ, I do not group myself with most Christians… meaning this:  I do not automatically agree with everything that every “Christian” says or believes.  I think I used to think that I did.  I think I used to assume that if a Christian believed something, then it must be right.  (1 Thessalonians 5:21 says otherwise.)

Somehow, I know that I am not alone.  I am not the only person who has ever faced this kind of self-analytical pondering.  I am sure there are many people younger and older than myself who feel they never psychoanalyzed themselves as much as I have.  Likewise, I’m sure there are many who can relate to this self-analysis.  Even that alone is something to ponder.  Why do some people do that and others seemingly see it as silliness or childishness or unnecessary or… [fill in the blank]?

As a side note… to me, it’s interesting that I would write something like this so soon after Robin Williams died.  I think that he was probably one of the ones who thought about these things.