Praying for Open Hands

I am hesitant to ask for prayer mainly because my problems seem relatively minor compared to most.  However, I am extremely stressed and overwhelmed.  Things at work have changed supposedly for the better, and yet things are different.  (And even though, in this case, different and better are good; they are still stressful.)  The place where I live is being placed on the market to be sold.  Searching for another place is difficult at best (especially considering my very limited income).  The wonderful people who are a part of my local church and small group are so loving and kind, and yet I still so very often feel alone.  Considering the lilies of the field and the birds of the air (and how God provides for them) is great until my feet have to hit the pavement.  Trusting the Lord, completely, has been and continues to be one of the most difficult things. I am not even sure what to ask you to pray for, but thank you to whomever does pray.

This song by Laura Story featuring Mac Powell from Third Day is one of many that comes to mind:

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“Mrs. Positive” vs. the Ex-Wife

So, my ex is married to “Ms. Positive of the Universe,” and I find myself wallowing in self-pity.  Obviously, something is not right.  Even to admit this publicly could bring shame upon myself.  However, I need to get over it.  (I’m sure “Ms. Positive” would agree with me.  Oh wait… I should label her properly.  It’s not “Ms.” but “Mrs.”  Only those of us who are divorced and not remarried have the honour and privilege of the “Ms.” title. 🙂 )

Do I have a point to this?  Probably not… except to say that I’m attempting to let off some steam.  I struggle with seeing how she claims to be the number one fan of her daughters and includes my two daughters in the (literal) picture (along with her three daughters).  I know I need to probably ‘address’ this issue with her, but I really do not know how to breach the subject.  Will I be banned from WordPress for writing about it here?  I highly doubt it.  Will she ever see this?  Probably not… unless someone who knows her (and me) points it out to her. Will I be upset if she sees it?  Probably.  Will she be?  I don’t know.  It’s possible.  But, will we all get over it?  Will it one day “pass,” like many people keep telling me, “This too shall pass”?  I sure hope so!  Maybe by me writing about it I’ll somehow feel better.  I don’t know.

The longer I live, I’m finding that there are many things that I do not know. And, there are many things for which I have no answers.  To simply say that Jesus is THE answer sounds great!  I’ve been waiting a long time (and reading a lot of Scripture and excerpts from books written by dead theologians) to try and figure out how that applies to real life.

Blog Stats and Self-Analysis

Looking at my blog stats over a period of several months and even years, I realize that the post that has brought people to my blog more than any other is the one about House Finches.  I don’t think that it was such a wonderfully-written post in as much as Google picked up on it and apparently people are really interested in finding out about house finches.

Regarding the quality of my writing, I continually am complimented by acquaintances and a few friends.  I view my writing almost like I view myself.  I do not have a very high view of it or myself.  As I search inwardly and outwardly to determine a cause or reason for this self-doubt (for lack of a better term to describe it at the moment), I am somewhat amazed to discover that part of it may be due to not ever having been myself.  This may seem strange to some, but please try to understand what I’m trying to say.

Note:  I will be using ‘he’ and ‘himself’ so that I won’t constantly be having to put the / symbol to include both genders such as he/she.

Think about a recent high school graduate who goes from living at home straight to living in a college dormitory.  There are some new-found freedoms in making that move.  However, the person is still considered so-and-so’s child and possibly so-and-so’s grandchild or sibling or [fill in the blank].  Does this person have his own identity yet?  Most likely not.  As this person progresses through college, he makes new friends and starts to develop a broader understanding of life.  This person still goes home for holidays and summer breaks.  During those times, the ‘child’ is often at a loss as to how to reach out to others at home because now the child is no longer completely under the same guidelines as he once was.  (Note to reader:  Are you with me so far?)  Let’s say that at one point, this ‘child’ considers that college may not be for him but feels pressure from peers, family, and even self to ‘press on.’  Was that ‘consideration’ something that was far too easily pushed aside?  Could that have been some form of him trying to figure out ‘self’?

Fast forward to college graduation and the summer right after…  this ‘child’ gets married and starts a new chapter in his life.  Wow!  Now, this ‘child’ is suddenly an adult?!  Or… did that happen one night in the middle of his junior year in college when his 21st birthday rolled around?  So… what is this person’s identity now?  Simply a spouse?  No, he is still a child, grandchild, sibling, but has also added ‘spouse’ to the mixture.  What about ‘self’?  Who is he?  Deep down inside, has he taken the time to truly realize who he is?

Moving forward even more, this ‘child’ one day becomes a parent… adding yet another label.  What about ‘person’?  Has this child/grandchild/sibling/spouse/parent ever considered himself a person?  If so, what kind of person?

Now that I’m divorced and have been on my own for real (as if I never was before), I have come to realize that I really do not fully know who I am… due in part to me not ever allowing myself to be me, to discover who I am.  Being thrown into the dating world simply because I am technically single has caused me to pose strange questions of myself…  like, “what do you like to do?”  I honestly have no idea what I like to do.  Okay, I suppose that’s not entirely true.  But it feels as though I have no idea because I’ve never given it much sincere thought.  I’ve simply gone from being a ‘child’ to being a ‘spouse’ to being ‘alone.’  And, I have very little idea of who I am.  I am slowly learning who I am … who I am in Christ is most important, many would say.  But even that is not something that is easily explained.

As a follower of Christ, I do not group myself with most Christians… meaning this:  I do not automatically agree with everything that every “Christian” says or believes.  I think I used to think that I did.  I think I used to assume that if a Christian believed something, then it must be right.  (1 Thessalonians 5:21 says otherwise.)

Somehow, I know that I am not alone.  I am not the only person who has ever faced this kind of self-analytical pondering.  I am sure there are many people younger and older than myself who feel they never psychoanalyzed themselves as much as I have.  Likewise, I’m sure there are many who can relate to this self-analysis.  Even that alone is something to ponder.  Why do some people do that and others seemingly see it as silliness or childishness or unnecessary or… [fill in the blank]?

As a side note… to me, it’s interesting that I would write something like this so soon after Robin Williams died.  I think that he was probably one of the ones who thought about these things.

Christmas Pondering

As I sit pondering last Christmas and how I loved being with my children on Christmas morning… seeing their eyes light

Christmas tree from 2012

up as they pulled things out of their stockings.  Watching as one daughter lined things up in an organized manner while the other simply relished in the moment, I thank God for this Christmas.  Even though I’m 6,000 miles away from my sweet daughters, I feel blessed.  This year I don’t have to tell my daughters good-bye as they leave to enjoy their time with their dad.  They don’t have to leave me or my house on Christmas Day.  And while that is a bit sad, it is also somehow comforting and indeed a blessing.

What do I title this?

There’s so much in my head, I don’t know where to begin or even where to just ‘jump in’ in the midst of all this craziness. I was just on the phone with my dentist’s office after having talked to someone there last Wednesday.  The office manager was out that day, and she’s apparently out today, too.  Just my luck since I have a bill in my hand that no one can seem to explain to me but her.  Never mind that I was not able to call her back when I had hoped/planned to call her back (Thursday) due to problems with a used tire I had purchased on Tuesday.  (There’s enough with the tire ‘fiasco’ to write at least two blog posts.) But, before I was on the phone with the dentist’s office, I was on the phone with a new-to-me ‘friend’ trying to explain myself and my ‘lot’ in life.  Prior to talking to this ‘friend’, I looked back at something I hand-wrote in April 2011.  And, I realized, other than being a year and a half older and my divorce has actually been filed (by my soon-to-be ex’s attorney), not much in my life has changed since then.  I proceeded to tell this ‘friend’ that I don’t like it that not much has changed. Wow… I just now thought to myself:  “Why am I so concerned with changing?”  Does change mean growth?  What does change mean?   Whew!  Things go through my head at the speed of light!  Flashing through my head are thoughts of a conversation I had with my children daughters about the definitions of words changing.  And, I’m just now thinking… perhaps even the definition of “change” is changing!  How bizarre, wild, confusing, etc… THAT is! I really and truly wish I could be a writer.  I love words so much, and I love to write.  I’m just not sure how I would “get” into it … enough to support myself, I mean. Looking back over what I have written so far, I can just imagine what people might think when they read this.

“Gee!  This woman must have ADHD!” “Why would she write about that?” “She never finished her thought.” “How did I end up on THIS blog?!”

Oh well, thanks for listening to me anyway… regardless of how you ended up here. 🙂

Have fun storming the castle!

I simply cannot believe all the pain and heartache I’ve had… just since I wrote about blogging while in the process of a divorce.  Our divorce has not even been officially filed.  Some may say, “What are you waiting on?”  Well… that’s a good question.  I truly believe beyond a shadow of ANY doubt that God could heal our marriage.  To quote one of my favorite lines from The Princess Bride,  “It would take a miracle!” copyright MGM, 1987 But, I know that He could.  I’ve told the man I’m still legally married to (a.k.a. my husband) that I know it would most likely be putting ourselves through even more “Hell” than we’ve already had… to try and salvage our marriage.  But as I told him, I am willing to do whatever it would take.  The reason I am willing?  God has given me faith in Him beyond what I can comprehend or explain.  In some ways, I see it (my faith in Him) as fairly simple.  Even if you don’t believe that God created the universe, I’m pretty sure it’s been scientifically proven that there once was a flood of the whole world.  And, a God that can do that… can heal my marriage.  (Not to mention the parting of the Red Sea and other miracles that God has done.)

Okay, I didn’t start out this post with the intention of “preaching.”  So, what’s the point of this post?  I honestly don’t know.  I am grateful to Jennifer (from The Lemonade Connection) for her comment on that post from January of 2011.  Even though my divorce technically hasn’t even started, I appreciate that she’d be willing to talk to me.  And, I’m grateful to Dana (from Roscommon Acres) for her comment on that post.  She said she’d take me as I am.  To have a sister-in-Christ being willing to be non-judgmental of me means more than I can say.

Are there things that I wish I could change?  Hardly a moment passes, that I don’t wish I could change something… even about that moment.  🙂  Maybe it’s my self-diagnosed OCD and/or perfectionistic tendencies that cause me to put that kind of pressure on myself.  I wish I knew.  If I did know, how would it make things better?

Randomness in ‘early’ Summer

By the looks of my blog, one might presume that I have nothing to share or haven’t had time to write or… what DO you think?  Since I haven’t blogged in so long, I’ll be surprised if anyone even reads this.

Life has kept going at the speed of light, or at least it seems like it.  I now have a full time job and live in a two-bedroom house at the end of dead-end street.  My ‘husband’ and I have still not filed for divorce.  Some people seem to think, “what’s taking so long?”  Others seem to think, “are you planning on reconciling?”  And further still, there are other reactions that seem to have me re-thinking things… as if I needed a reason to THINK more!  😛

I tend to self-analyze and psycho-analyze myself quite a bit.  Some would say I need to just ‘chill’ and NOT think so much.  So, what IS the answer?  I’m a born-again believer in Jesus Christ, so I know what THE answer is.  (I hesitate to call myself a Christian lest someone think I’m one who thinks I’m “holier than thou’.  But, that’s a whole other discussion.)  However, just knowing THE answer doesn’t always answer all of the other questions.  I feel that some of my fellow born-again believers would disagree with me.  And, that’s fine.  We each have our opinions.

Soooo… why am I blogging at this particular moment?  I don’t really know.  I would like to see what others’ opinions are of what I write.  I enjoy blogging and writing in general.  I sometimes long to be a writer or author of books, or at least magazine articles.  I don’t know if I ‘qualify’ or if my writing would be considered article-worthy or book-worthy.  But, thanks for reading my blog at least.  🙂