Hope and Pain

Oh how I wish it were as simple as “just think happy, positive thoughts”! ūüôā Life would be so much sweeter if it were easy to turn one’s thoughts from negative, melancholy things to positive, hopeful things.

The more I read and learn about mental illness, the more I realize it is, unfortunately, not a simple or easy process to switch one’s thoughts.¬† Perhaps it is for some people.¬† And yet, I think that for the ones that it’s most easiest, those people do not seem to struggle with ceaseless thoughts.

Just a few minutes ago, I was looking at some sites I have bookmarked on my laptop.¬† One of the bookmarks was a search I did to see what Myers Briggs personality type Rich Mullins was.¬† The eighth site down on the list said, “What Myers-Briggs personality type do serial killers usually have?” (Google “picked” it up as a search result because Herbert Mullin, a serial killer from the 1970s, is in the list.)¬† So then, I looked to see what personality types this site claimed the killers had.¬† This led to a few other searches.¬† (Talk about depressing!)¬† Among other things, I discovered that one of the Columbine shooters (who took his own life as well as the lives of other innocent people) allegedly had depression and struggled with ceaseless thoughts.

All of this to say, many people who suffer with mental illnesses seem to struggle with racing thoughts and/or with incessant thinking.¬† And, as I mentioned, the more I learn about mental illness, the more I realize and see certain patterns.¬† Is there an answer for those of us who suffer and struggle?¬† I wish I knew.¬† I only hope and pray that in my deepest, darkest moments, I’m able to keep looking to Jesus.


He is truly THE only way, and it’s actually comforting to me to note that He sweated drops of blood and wept and overturned the tables in the temple.¬† In other words, His life wasn’t all about “thinking happy thoughts.”

I’m not sure where to give credit for this image.¬† No copyright infringement is intended. I’m “simply happy” that Jesus is portrayed as having “down” times too.


Seeking Approval

I’ve known for a long time that I seek the approval of others. ¬†I’ve tried many things to avoid doing that… to stop doing that. ¬†But, so far, I’ve not been able to stop or avoid it. ¬†I’m a born again believer in Jesus Christ, and I do not (and did not) have to do ANYthing to earn His forgiveness. ¬†So, why do I struggle with this? ¬†Why have I struggled with this? ¬†Does it really matter why? ¬†I simply would be ECSTATIC if I could get ‘beyond’ this and no longer struggle with it. ¬†I imagine it has ‘fueled’ my depression because deep in my heart I know I can do nothing to gain anyone’s approval. ¬†And, deep in my heart, I know that I shouldn’t worry what others think.

However, even the word “should” is something that bothers me. ¬†It doesn’t matter if I change “should” to “need.” ¬†That bothers me, too. ¬†So, how does one overcome this? ¬†Is it through endless counseling sessions and/or medication? ¬†I’ve done all of that, and yet I still struggle. ¬†I don’t have the answers… other than the clich√© of, “Let go, and let God.” ¬†That is so simplistic and yet seemingly impossible to do.

Thankfulness in the midst of tragedy…

It’s late, and I need to get to bed… but, I wanted to ask you to keep the flood victims in Oklahoma in your prayers.¬† Melissa (of Consumer Queen) and her family had quite a bit of flood damage to their new home.¬† She wasn’t even certain if they have flood insurance.

(I remember being REQUIRED to get flood insurance on the house we purchased in Texas because it was in a 100 year flood plain.¬† It was not inexpensive and a fairly big “hassle” as I recall.)

Anyway, please remember to pray… and while you’re at it, thank God for Melissa’s dependence on the Lord.¬† Tragedy is even worse when we do not have Him to lean on.

Thanks to Robyn’s Online World and Mommy Brain Reports for their loving support of Melissa during this time.

Jesus Draw Me Ever Nearer

This is a really slow song, but the lyrics are incredible!¬† It reminds me of my blog entry from a few days ago… Delight.

“Jesus Draw Me Ever Nearer”
Music by Keith Getty; Words by Margaret Becker
Copyright © 2002 Thankyou Music

Jesus draw me ever nearer
As I labour through the storm.
You have called me to this passage,
and I’ll follow, though I’m worn.

May this journey bring a blessing,
May I rise on wings of faith;
And at the end of my heart’s testing,
With Your likeness let me wake.

Jesus guide me through the tempest;
Keep my spirit staid and sure.
When the midnight meets the morning,
Let me love You even more.

Let the treasures of the trial
Form within me as I go –
And at the end of this long passage,
Let me leave them at Your throne.

The world probably questions how the trial could have treasures, yet there are so many treasures we cannot begin to count them.


Last night as I lie in bed, I listened to this song perhaps for the first time on my Zune…¬† Delight My Heart by Twila Paris from her True North album.

Here are the lyrics:

So many plans, so many dreams
So many hopes in me
So many goals tending to schemes
What am I meant to be?

Lead me back into the simple treasure I once knew
I will rest here in the perfect worth of knowing You

I will delight my heart in You, O Lord
I will delight my heart in You
All of the joy You give is what I long for
I will delight my heart in You

All that I want, think that I need
Where is the pure desire?
If I look up into Your eyes
I could regain the fire

Oh, return me to the simple treasure I once knew
I will live here in the perfect worth of knowing You

I will delight my heart in You, O Lord
I will delight my heart in You
All of the peace You give is what I long for
I will delight my heart in You

How can I forget that nothing less can fill me
When the Morning Star has come to live inside me
Live inside me

I will delight my heart in You, O Lord
I will delight my heart in You
All of the love You give is what I long for
I will delight my heart in You
Oh, I will delight my heart in You

The reason I said, “perhaps for the first time,” is because I don’t recall ever having heard it much less REALLY paying attention to the words.¬† There are so many things that we think will satisfy us and bring us pleasure (i.e. delight us)… yet, we have All we really need living inside of us.¬† When I listened to the words as Twila sang them, I began to weep.¬† In my flesh, I seek after so many things… but NOTHING can satisfy me like the love of Jesus.¬† Consider these words from King David in Psalms 37:4…

Delight yourself in the LORD;
And He will give you the desires of your heart.

We may think that the desires of our heart are all things of this earth; yet what we really long for, without always realizing it, is to be with Him and like Him.

May we delight in Him today!

Brit Hume shares openly

For those of you who have recently started to read my blog and for those who have been reading for a while, this video will be a change from my usual “conversation.”¬† After watching the following video where Brit Hume speaks openly about Jesus Christ, I cannot be silent.¬† As he mentions in this video, when the name Jesus Christ is spoken, “All Hell breaks loose.”¬† I totally agree with him in that respect.¬† My question to you is¬† what do you think?¬† When you hear the name Jesus Christ spoken, what is your first reaction… regardless of where or how you hear it?¬† Please feel free to share!