So, my ex is married to “Ms. Positive of the Universe,” and I find myself wallowing in self-pity. Obviously, something is not right. Even to admit this publicly could bring shame upon myself. However, I need to get over it. (I’m sure “Ms. Positive” would agree with me. Oh wait… I should label her properly. It’s not “Ms.” but “Mrs.” Only those of us who are divorced and not remarried have the honour and privilege of the “Ms.” title. 🙂 )
Do I have a point to this? Probably not… except to say that I’m attempting to let off some steam. I struggle with seeing how she claims to be the number one fan of her daughters and includes my two daughters in the (literal) picture (along with her three daughters). I know I need to probably ‘address’ this issue with her, but I really do not know how to breach the subject. Will I be banned from WordPress for writing about it here? I highly doubt it. Will she ever see this? Probably not… unless someone who knows her (and me) points it out to her. Will I be upset if she sees it? Probably. Will she be? I don’t know. It’s possible. But, will we all get over it? Will it one day “pass,” like many people keep telling me, “This too shall pass”? I sure hope so! Maybe by me writing about it I’ll somehow feel better. I don’t know.
The longer I live, I’m finding that there are many things that I do not know. And, there are many things for which I have no answers. To simply say that Jesus is THE answer sounds great! I’ve been waiting a long time (and reading a lot of Scripture and excerpts from books written by dead theologians) to try and figure out how that applies to real life.
As I sit pondering last Christmas and how I loved being with my children on Christmas morning… seeing their eyes light
up as they pulled things out of their stockings. Watching as one daughter lined things up in an organized manner while the other simply relished in the moment, I thank God for this Christmas. Even though I’m 6,000 miles away from my sweet daughters, I feel blessed. This year I don’t have to tell my daughters good-bye as they leave to enjoy their time with their dad. They don’t have to leave me or my house on Christmas Day. And while that is a bit sad, it is also somehow comforting and indeed a blessing.
I simply cannot believe all the pain and heartache I’ve had… just since I wrote about blogging while in the process of a divorce. Our divorce has not even been officially filed. Some may say, “What are you waiting on?” Well… that’s a good question. I truly believe beyond a shadow of ANY doubt that God could heal our marriage. To quote one of my favorite lines from The Princess Bride, “It would take a miracle!” But, I know that He could. I’ve told the man I’m still legally married to (a.k.a. my husband) that I know it would most likely be putting ourselves through even more “Hell” than we’ve already had… to try and salvage our marriage. But as I told him, I am willing to do whatever it would take. The reason I am willing? God has given me faith in Him beyond what I can comprehend or explain. In some ways, I see it (my faith in Him) as fairly simple. Even if you don’t believe that God created the universe, I’m pretty sure it’s been scientifically proven that there once was a flood of the whole world. And, a God that can do that… can heal my marriage. (Not to mention the parting of the Red Sea and other miracles that God has done.)
Okay, I didn’t start out this post with the intention of “preaching.” So, what’s the point of this post? I honestly don’t know. I am grateful to Jennifer (from The Lemonade Connection) for her comment on that post from January of 2011. Even though my divorce technically hasn’t even started, I appreciate that she’d be willing to talk to me. And, I’m grateful to Dana (from Roscommon Acres) for her comment on that post. She said she’d take me as I am. To have a sister-in-Christ being willing to be non-judgmental of me means more than I can say.
Are there things that I wish I could change? Hardly a moment passes, that I don’t wish I could change something… even about that moment. 🙂 Maybe it’s my self-diagnosed OCD and/or perfectionistic tendencies that cause me to put that kind of pressure on myself. I wish I knew. If I did know, how would it make things better?
By the looks of my blog, one might presume that I have nothing to share or haven’t had time to write or… what DO you think? Since I haven’t blogged in so long, I’ll be surprised if anyone even reads this.
Life has kept going at the speed of light, or at least it seems like it. I now have a full time job and live in a two-bedroom house at the end of dead-end street. My ‘husband’ and I have still not filed for divorce. Some people seem to think, “what’s taking so long?” Others seem to think, “are you planning on reconciling?” And further still, there are other reactions that seem to have me re-thinking things… as if I needed a reason to THINK more! 😛
I tend to self-analyze and psycho-analyze myself quite a bit. Some would say I need to just ‘chill’ and NOT think so much. So, what IS the answer? I’m a born-again believer in Jesus Christ, so I know what THE answer is. (I hesitate to call myself a Christian lest someone think I’m one who thinks I’m “holier than thou’. But, that’s a whole other discussion.) However, just knowing THE answer doesn’t always answer all of the other questions. I feel that some of my fellow born-again believers would disagree with me. And, that’s fine. We each have our opinions.
Soooo… why am I blogging at this particular moment? I don’t really know. I would like to see what others’ opinions are of what I write. I enjoy blogging and writing in general. I sometimes long to be a writer or author of books, or at least magazine articles. I don’t know if I ‘qualify’ or if my writing would be considered article-worthy or book-worthy. But, thanks for reading my blog at least. 🙂
I started out tonight wanting to write a blog entry about whatever came to mind. However, I’m not able to do that… partly because I do not feel the freedom to write whatever comes to mind. I know that my soon-to-be ex-husband reads this, and who knows if he tells anyone about what I write. That’s a bit disconcerting. If any of you have ever gone through a divorce while being a blogger, I’m curious to know your ‘take’ on what you did and didn’t include on your blog during the process. Thankfully, my ex and I are being civil with each other and not trying to gain the upper hand in our unfortunate circumstance. Obviously, I’m opening the proverbial can of worms even by creating THIS post, but this is me. Take me or leave me. 🙂
…especially when I don’t know where the post is going/will go/has gone.
I am in awe at the candidness and clarity with which Wendy shares her view of marital struggles. Perhaps Surely we could can give God the credit for her communication abilities.
Thank You, God, for speaking to us through Your servant, Wendy. May people “take it” in the spirit in which it is intended. Thank You for Your love, grace, and forgiveness.