How can a quick glance at Instagram throw me into “the pit of despair”? And then, what I found after a mere search on Google (to see if I could come up with a suitable (or fitting) picture or video of the pit of despair to post) is educational and somewhat eye-opening, though not really surprising.
Whew! Just two sentences and yet they sum up the ceaseless thoughts that swirl in my mind and lead from one endless idea to another.
I initially was thinking of the pit of despair as described and portrayed in The Princess Bride, one of my all time favorite movies, in an effort to make light of my own despair/depression. However, the aforementioned search brought me to this video:
Like so many others who suffer with depression and ceaseless thoughts, I can totally relate to choosing comfort over food. (You must watch the short video I’ve included if you’re scratching your head at this point.) There’s no telling how many times I’ve gone nearly all day without eating anything and not because I was intentionally fasting. What is it that causes this supposed unnatural inaction? I’m left pondering the answer to that (even though a quick explanation is given in this video) but also to the question I initially proposed at the beginning of this blogpost.
I simply cannot believe all the pain and heartache I’ve had… just since I wrote about blogging while in the process of a divorce. Our divorce has not even been officially filed. Some may say, “What are you waiting on?” Well… that’s a good question. I truly believe beyond a shadow of ANY doubt that God could heal our marriage. To quote one of my favorite lines from The Princess Bride, “It would take a miracle!” But, I know that He could. I’ve told the man I’m still legally married to (a.k.a. my husband) that I know it would most likely be putting ourselves through even more “Hell” than we’ve already had… to try and salvage our marriage. But as I told him, I am willing to do whatever it would take. The reason I am willing? God has given me faith in Him beyond what I can comprehend or explain. In some ways, I see it (my faith in Him) as fairly simple. Even if you don’t believe that God created the universe, I’m pretty sure it’s been scientifically proven that there once was a flood of the whole world. And, a God that can do that… can heal my marriage. (Not to mention the parting of the Red Sea and other miracles that God has done.)
Okay, I didn’t start out this post with the intention of “preaching.” So, what’s the point of this post? I honestly don’t know. I am grateful to Jennifer (from The Lemonade Connection) for her comment on that post from January of 2011. Even though my divorce technically hasn’t even started, I appreciate that she’d be willing to talk to me. And, I’m grateful to Dana (from Roscommon Acres) for her comment on that post. She said she’d take me as I am. To have a sister-in-Christ being willing to be non-judgmental of me means more than I can say.
Are there things that I wish I could change? Hardly a moment passes, that I don’t wish I could change something… even about that moment. 🙂 Maybe it’s my self-diagnosed OCD and/or perfectionistic tendencies that cause me to put that kind of pressure on myself. I wish I knew. If I did know, how would it make things better?