I’ve not blogged in a while… not because I’ve not wanted or needed to, but because I’m afraid of what people will think. Within recent months, I’ve told people (who I actually know) about my blog. And, that’s what has me frightened. I’m afraid I’ll divulge something that heretofore has been somewhat private. I’m afraid of being judged. (I know how people are… myself included. Why are we that way?)
Life is a complicated thing. Daily, all of us are learning how to maneuver and manage in this world… whether we realize it or not. Our world is changing fast. We don’t see it because of the intense speed with which it is changing.
I no longer feel like I’m able to accurately articulate my true feelings and thoughts about things. It’s like my own little corner of the world is spinning around and around and around with no end in sight, and I’m scrambling to try and figure out how to hold on or jump off. With my propensity to over-think things (EVERYthing), this spinning wheel may eventually crash. That being said, I truly am glad that I have a personal relationship with the One who holds it all together. Knowing that doesn’t necessarily make it easier. As James says, I’m verrrry slowly learning to “count it all joy when [I] fall into various trials.”
This song is not really related… or is it?
p.s. I have a different place to live. See my previous post if you don’t understand.
I saw this on Facebook when my friend Kristie posted it. It’s kinda silly and fun to see what kinds of names you can create. 🙂
Then, I received a call from my mom. She was wondering why more people couldn’t (or didn’t) show up to pray for “the lost” at her church’s prayer meetings. (She indicated that about eight people showed up, and they had a list of over 1,000 people for whom to pray. And, she attends a church with several hundred in ‘normal’ Sunday morning attendance.) We talked some about that and how much our lives revolve around electronic devices… whether it be cellphones, iPads, iPods, iPhones, smartphones, DVR’s, Facebook, laptops, MP3 players (do people still have these?), and the list goes on and on.
Do we have our focus on the ‘wrong’ things? Stuff like this ‘fun’ thing on Facebook (“Find Your Rapper Name”) IS fun, but do we focus on stuff like this too much?
I’ve known for a long time that I seek the approval of others. I’ve tried many things to avoid doing that… to stop doing that. But, so far, I’ve not been able to stop or avoid it. I’m a born again believer in Jesus Christ, and I do not (and did not) have to do ANYthing to earn His forgiveness. So, why do I struggle with this? Why have I struggled with this? Does it really matter why? I simply would be ECSTATIC if I could get ‘beyond’ this and no longer struggle with it. I imagine it has ‘fueled’ my depression because deep in my heart I know I can do nothing to gain anyone’s approval. And, deep in my heart, I know that I shouldn’t worry what others think.
However, even the word “should” is something that bothers me. It doesn’t matter if I change “should” to “need.” That bothers me, too. So, how does one overcome this? Is it through endless counseling sessions and/or medication? I’ve done all of that, and yet I still struggle. I don’t have the answers… other than the cliché of, “Let go, and let God.” That is so simplistic and yet seemingly impossible to do.