Seemingly endless frustration

I’m frustrated.

Frustrated with myself for…

being frustrated
thinking I can write as good as the best writer
thinking that I’m really not that good
thinking … period
wishing that life could be different
realizing that it can be different, if I make a change
not knowing how to make a change or even where to start
knowing how to make a change and how to start but being scared to death of it

knowing that God is with me and for me and that I can trust Him, but realizing that I must not be fully trusting Him because of how burdened down I seem

thinking
thinking so much that I don’t eat when I need to
being concerned that people who read this will think I’m a terrible writer
being concerned that people who read this will think I actually have something to say
being concerned what others think about me (After all, what difference does it make?)

Frustrated with and yet thankful for those who read my “Real Like the Velveteen Rabbit?” post from yesterday because…

one person commented on the actual post

a couple of people replied via email saying that I don’t need to ask people what to write about (duh, I know that!)

several people replied via text saying…

I follow your blog now; I subscribed
I never knew you wanted to be a writer?!
I knew you had a hidden talent somewhere
I want to go read that again sometime
I wish you the best in your endeavor
I love your picture!

I wasn’t seeking approval! Or, was I? (sigh)  <— Add this to my "frustrated with myself" list (above).

So many clichés about life are true and yet I wish they weren't.  I wish there was a way to 'break the cycle' in a sense.   I don't want to be like the next person.  I don't want to be famous.  I'm tired of taking baby steps like Bob.  I just wish I could express myself and have someone validate me.  And yet, when validation is received, then what?  What do I do with that?  Where do I go from there? What’s really the point of any of this?

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A New Year With MANY Thoughts

What escapes me is how and why a whole year has passed since I created a new blog post.  I have 16 drafts… the most recent one was saved seven months ago according to WordPress.  As I’ve mentioned before, I tend to psychoanalyze myself quite often.

I’ve read and heard several different things just in the past couple of weeks that I feel have been somewhat helpful and insightful, but also somewhat overwhelming.  As a high school friend of mine said, “Being overwhelmed doesn’t mean you get a free pass…” He was referring to discipling our children, but I believe that statement applies to all areas of our lives.

As for an insightful instance, this quote from one of the articles I read recently jumped out at me as I went back to re-read the article to find what I wanted to share with you…

If a doctor uses a treatment with a clinically verified high rate of success but presents it in a negative light, the probability of a negative outcome increases.

That caused my thoughts to jump to an episode of M*A*S*H when they ran out of pain medication and used placebos to tide them over.  One of the doctors was skeptical, and the senior ranking officer ordered him to present it with a positive attitude or it would never work.  After the placebos were administered, most of the patients respond very well, much to the surprise of the one who was skeptical.  So, our attitude toward things (our expectations, as this same article points out), obviously has a great impact on the outcome of events/circumstances.

Honestly, I’m not even sure why I’m writing a blogpost now.  I felt the need to post something.  But why?  More self-analysis?  That leads me to something else I recently read, “The Hyper-Examined Life Isn’t Worth Living.”  There are many good things that the author shared.  Here is one (of many) that I found interesting…

An obsessive preoccupation with what others will think and a paralyzing fear of failure go hand in hand, and both are symptoms of a hyper-examined life.

The fear of failure and the obsession of what others will think is not just a trait of Millennials, as he suggests.  I think anyone with a tendency toward introspection could easily be drawn into what he calls a hyper-examined life.  (Just the fact that I’m bringing this up could prove that point.)

So, what is MY point?  Good question.  I know that I am striving to daily re-submit my life over to Jesus.  The past is gone, and there is absolutely NO WAY to change any of it.  The future is not yet here, and ultimately God is the only One who controls it.  We have the joy, privilege, and responsibility to seek out the best way to join God not only in the future, but in the here and now.   Will we trust?


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